Newlywed Q&A: Unexpected difficulties, bad advice, and adjusting to living together
Hi everyone! I am excited to share another Q & A today with the last three questions from the brides-to-be that sent me questions about wedding planning and adjusting to marriage. These three questions are great for the newlyweds as well, myself included! I have been learning so much from the wise gals who have been sharing their input and encouragement from their own experiences as wives. Grab a cup of tea (or cup o' joe, if you prefer) and enjoy!
"We have talked and prayed over a lot for our future marriage. Is there anything that was more difficult than you
expected?"
"Not really because we prepared ourselves ahead of time. I firmly believe in pre-marital counseling to
find any red flags and address them prior to the wedding. In my marriage, I put my husband and his
needs ahead of my own. He, in turn, puts
me and my needs ahead of his own. Then
in the end, both our needs are met and we feel loved, honored and respected by
the other. It's a beautiful thing and I
pray that your marriages can experience the same thing."
____________________________
"Not
really. Marriage has been weirdly easy
for us… we’re great complements to each other, and have made a point to
communicate carefully. Navigating larger
family issues has occasionally been tricky… things like establishing our own
traditions while still participating in as many family traditions that have
been in place on both sides for decades as possible, or like handling relatives
who are having difficulty with their changing roles in our lives and acting
out. But, again, communication is key…
constant communication with each other, and presenting a united front to the
rest of the world. The WHOLE world, not
just strangers. Your families, too… you
have to be your own family first, and fit into the bigger families next. :-) "
- Katie Hodge, married
6.5 years; Blogs at www.alwayskatie.com
____________________________
"Getting on the same
page about sex was very difficult for us. For the first couple of months I
tried to initiate all of the time because I thought guys “wanted it all the
time.” I waited to have sex until I was married so this was all new for me.
Whenever he was tired or not feeling up to it he would tell me no. I would feel
hurt and rejection over this and it took us months to figure things out.
Through talking, I learned that he did not want to have it all the time. (I was
trying to initiate almost 6 days a week, every week). I would highly recommend
talking about this, probably after you’re married to not cause more temptation.
Ask what each other thinks that should look like in your marriage and know that
when the other says no, it’s not a rejection to you but they honestly just
might be tired after a long day.
- Kylie Paulsen, married 3 years , www.fellowshipandlattes.com
____________________________
"Praying and talking are the best ways to enter into a marriage. In all honesty, the biggest struggle of the first year of marriage was
that I began to realize how incredibly selfish I am. I really wish I’d taken some time to let
God work on my heart during my engagement—I think that would have helped.
There’s nothing like marriage to reveal your flaws, bring them into the light, and make you deal with them. It sucks, yes. But it’s so, so good for you. Marriage has brought me closer to Christ than I could have imagined- both because I’ve relied on God so much to keep me afloat, and also because this incredible relationship is refining me and making me take steps toward holiness. It’s really, really hard. But it’s so worth it.
- Ally Vermeer, The Speckled Goat Blog (www.thespeckledgoatblog.com); married 4
years
(Click HERE for Ally’s series on engagement)
____________________________
"Marriage is tough
work, but if you remember to keep God first and foremost, there genuinely isn’t
anything you two can’t overcome. I think what is hard about marriage in general
is that it is two unique individuals, each with their own set of needs &
wants, merging to become one. There will need to be compromise. There will need
to be understanding. There will need to be grace. I don’t think anything is
more difficult than I expected – but that doesn’t mean marriage isn’t tough
work!"
- Alicia
Murphy, married 4.5 years, blogs at www.theamgrindonline.com
"Here are some tips for the first
years of marriage! http://pinkfaithtoday.blogspot.com/2014/01/holy-matrimony-tips-for-happy-marriage.html "
____________________________
"What was the one piece of marriage advice you
received that can be ignored (or was just bad)?"
"'Not letting the sun go down on your wrath'.... I thought this
meant resolving every conflict before we went to sleep. Sometimes it's better
to disagree. Nothing gets solved when both parties are exhausted.
If it's a small issue, let it go. If it's something that needs
addressed, plan a better time to talk it through. And use active
listening.... " (Click HERE for a her post on this)
-Leighann Marquiss, married 20 years, blog: www.leighannmarquiss.com
"'Don't go to bed angry.' Okay, I
understand the point, but when we both worked 12+ hour days, and I'm picking a
fight because I'm tired and cranky, it's truly not worth staying up to work
through. Recognize if something is actually a problem, or if you're just tired.
Or hungry. Being hungry makes my man crabby.
- - Ally Vermeer, blogs at The Speckled Goat Blog (www.thespeckledgoatblog.com); married 4
years
" 'Have
sex even when you have a headache, it's important to please your husband.' A lot of women stressed the importance of sex "needed" by the
husband. Everyone's sex life will be totally different, don't let other's
preconceived notions place expectations on your married life. Your sex life
will develop with your husband in a way that is completely unique to you as a
couple."
- Samantha Kakac blogs at www.elahtree.com
____________________________
"Honestly,
every piece of pre-marriage advice. The thing is, not one marriage is alike,
not one. How can someone give you marriage advice when their marriage may be
unique to your own. I believe that it is more beneficial to seek marriage
advice post-wedding, so that you know what you may need advice in and who you
should seek it from. Finding someone who related to your marital experiences is
extremely important as a wife, a woman and a Christ-follower."
-Madison Prinzen, married for 7
months. Instagram:
Madi.Prinzen
"I never really got marriage
advice that I can remember. Plus, I probably didn't listen to it anyways. We
got married young, 18, so we were just out to figure things on our own."
-Kayla Nelson, married 7 years.
Blogs at www.theaccidentalnomadlife.com
____________________________
"How do you deal with getting
used to living together as a married couple as opposed to only seeing each
sometimes when dating?"
“It just comes with time. At
first, it's so great because it's all new. Then it starts to get hard because
you start to realize things they do that aren't cute. Communicate with your
husband and let him know what really bothers you. You need to analyze things to
and decide what you can live with and what drives you crazy. Then you just work
on them together with LOTS of patience :) "
"Remember that you are still two individuals with different interests
and need for alone time. Don't expect to suddenly be joined at the hip.
Respect each other just as you did while dating. Also realize that you come
from two different backgrounds when it comes to living arrangements. When
disagreements arise over household things, work together to come up with a
solution that works for both of you rather than thinking there's only one right
way (which of course is yours!) "
- Leighann Marquiss, married 20 years, blog: www.leighannmarquiss.com
"Living together as a married
couple is a transition, and I think having the expectation that there will
probably be conflicts is a good perspective to have. The most important thing
is to give one another grace, and recognize what's really his problem and
what's really yours.
For example, my husband's idea of
"clean" is different than mine. I was getting angry with him about
leaving a dish in the living room, or about clutter... but then I realized that
it really wasn't his problem! It was mine! I wanted a clean house, but I didn't
really want to do the work to make it a clean house. Once I took ownership of
my feelings, a lot of the conflicts smoothed themselves out.
Also, don't measure yourself
against other couples. My husband and I spend a lot of time together- we work
together, commute together, shop together... it's just what works for us. But
you may have a different way of doing things- you may spend quite a bit of time
doing activities without one another. That's okay. Good marriages look very
different from one another- but that doesn't mean one is better than another.
It's all about what works for your marriage."
- - Ally Vermeer of The Speckled Goat Blog (www.thespeckledgoatblog.com); married 4
years
"Let go of any preconceived
notions or expectations you may have. Focus on creating new routines and
traditions specific to you as a couple. Creating new routines together will
help you focus on each other."
- Samantha Kakac blogs at www.elahtree.com
"There is this old saying my mom
used to tell me: "It is only what you make
it" It is so
true! When we first got married I looked for positives, instead of negatives.
For instance, I loved seeing his clothes in the closet with my clothes, I loved
the annoying ‘man habits’ that he had, and I loved waking up to him. All of
which reminded me every day that he was my husband, and I loved that!
-Madison Prinzen, married for 7 months. Instagram: Madi.Prinzen
"With lots
of grace. You have to really learn one another and WANT to continue through the
hard parts and when you are giving grace, to yourself and your husband, it
gives freedom for learning. Learning what you like, what he likes, what is
annoying to each of you. It's hard to merge two lives into one but it's so
worth it and when you do all that you do with grace, it softens the
difficulties. Also, you really have to be prepared to lay your pride down daily
and put on a servant heart. At one point or another, I can almost 100%
guarantee you that you will have to serve him in a difficult way, whether it's
walking the house behind him and turning lights off as he leaves the rooms or
cleaning up his pop cans from the living room or picking up the dinner table or
his dirty clothes off the bathroom or bedroom floors, etc. The more prepared
you are to serve him in this way, the better."
-Kayla Nelson, married 7 years.
Blogs at www.theaccidentalnomadlife.com
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If you want to catch up on previous Q & A about weddings and newlywed seasons, be sure to check HERE.
Also, a special THANK YOU to all the bloggers who have answered the questions from the brides-to-be! Be sure to visit their blogs for more of their wise words!
Ours was a marriage that became much more peaceful after the first year--sometimes it just takes a little while to figure things out! :) We sure had a lot of fun that first year, but we also argued a little more.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post, lady! I love reading other people's perspectives. I'd be happy to contribute if needed.
ReplyDelete