How We Fight Against Bad Dreams and Fear in our Preschooler

 

Around the age of three to four years old, a child's imagination blossoms into a fun, adventurous new world of stories and creativity. But their imagination can also run a little rampant at nighttime and cause bad dreams or new fears. Their incomplete, immature understanding of the world and its potential dangers can steal their joy as they try to drift off to sleep. This past year, our son started having bad dreams and had trouble falling asleep because of his fears. It was tough on all of us because he really struggled to feel safe and comfortable enough to fall asleep, constantly calling us back to his room. Sleeping in our bed with us wasn't an option or a habit we wanted him to start, so I wanted to find a way that I can comfort him while I am beside his bed, but then leave him equipped to try out the same techniques once I left his room. After praying for wisdom and trying different things, we started to find some improvement.  I wanted to share a few ideas in case they can work for your children in similar situations.

Protect Their Minds: A Good Offense 

First, I will start with what we can do proactively during the day to help prevent scary images, ideas, and thoughts to enter our children's minds. Of course we cannot protect them from everything, but we can still be intentional with what enters our home on screens, books, music, and pretend play to decrease potentially scary or unwholesome ideas from simmering in their minds at nighttime, causing bedtime troubles. The best defense is a good offense, as the saying goes, so strategically assess what is entering your home.

I discussed Philippians 4:8 with my son around the time his bad dreams started. I told him that it is a helpful test for deciding what to watch, read, and be around. As much as possible, this is what guides what kind of books, TV shows, films, and pretend play enters the home:

"whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” 

Children are interpreting the world around them through their own immature minds that are still figuring out reality versus pretend. We are there to help guide them along what is true, right, pure, lovely, worthy of praise and so on. And as a Christian mom, I ultimately want to point my kids to God and what He defines as good, not what the world defines and redefines as such. So, I need to be studying the Word, praying for discernment, and practicing this Philippians 4:8 test for myself too. 

Questions to Ask Yourself:

1. Are there shows, music, books, or toys they are exposed to with scary images or plots? Maybe it's something that didn't bother them before but now they are mentioning they are scared or you can notice a change in them as they watch or read the material. My son loves reading about and watching clips of snakes and would promise he wasn't scared. He loves visiting them at the zoo. But then he was having dreams about snakes hurting him, so we took a break from any book or show that had snakes in them, no matter how cartoonish. I also try to put the ball in his court and say, "If something other kids are watching is scary, I want you to walk away from it and find somewhere safe to play because you know what can happen later at night after you watch scary things. You can help protect your own mind." Of course, this comes with age and a young two-year old might not have the maturity or self-control to do this, but at four years old, my son understands the correlation between what he watches and how he feels that night, so this is a muscle I am wanting him to start flexing since it helps develop self-control, vigilance, responsibility, and wisdom.

2. Are there topics you discuss with your spouse or other adults while you are around your children that could be causing scary ideas to enter their thoughts, like violence in the world, death or illness of a loved one? Of course we cannot shield them from reality all the time, but we also don't want to expose them to adult conversations that are hard for their minds to process and can lead to scary thoughts at night.

3. Are there friends who are telling scary stories or playing games that could be scary for your child? If so, is there a gentle way to lay some ground rules for their play, such as no death scenes, nothing evil that dishonors God and people, no curse words, etc.?  If there are friends of you child who are continually presenting scary or inappropriate ideas and material to your child, may it be time to take a break from playdates or discuss with the parents about your concerns?

Our "Weapons" of Defense

One night, as I was discussing some of the below things with my son, I told him they are his weapons against bad dreams and being afraid. Maybe it's because he's a boy, but it really stuck and that is what we call them now, his weapons against bad dreams. You can also call them your tools or whatever you'd prefer. I like it because it reminds me that as Christians, we have the armor of God as described in Ephesians 6. He is our defense and protects us from evil. Bad dreams and fear can allow the enemy's lies to seep into our precious children's hearts and minds, distracting them or confusing them from the truth about God and themselves. So, we need to fight back. Here are some of the weapons we use.

First off, these weapons help in different ways. I have been using the term with my son "let's work on changing your thoughts". Re-directing your thoughts is a hard thing to do even for me as an adult so I try to be very patient with the long process. These are all ways to change thoughts from scary to peaceful thoughts.  Some of the below "weapons", like prayer and Scripture memorization, reinforce truths that can calm an anxious heart. Others, like reading a fun book with a flashlight to get your mind off something scary, is more about distraction by helping him choose something different to think about. They have all been helpful, but of course aren't identical in impact and importance. We don't do all of these every time, but they are in my mind as possible "weapons" to try when our son is having a rough time with fear or bad dreams. Some of these weapons include me or my husband in the room (like prayer), but most of them we have been training him to do alone.

Prayer:  

We pray over him at bedtime, but I also give him an example of a quick prayer he can use, like "Please God, I am scared. Help me" because he often says he doesn't know how to pray on his own. This is an area we want to grow in to help him feel confident and comfortable calling out to God when he is alone and scared. When I pray over him, I thank God for His attributes that can comfort us when we are scared:"God, I thank You that You are strongest of all. No one and nothing is stronger. Help my little love remember this tonight." And I sometimes include scripture he has memorized into the prayer: "Jesus, you told Your disciples that you will be with them always, and I know that you are with my little boy right now as he is preparing to sleep." 

Looking at picture books from his bedtime book basket with a flashlight: 

To get his mind off of something scary while he is alone in his room, he can distract his mind by putting new, better images at the forefront of his mind. This usually lasts for five to fifteen minutes of him flipping through favorite books and then he'll put himself to bed.

Reciting a specific picture book he knows from memory: 

We read Race Car Count so many times in the last few years that he has it memorized. I'll sometimes hear him through the monitor,  reciting it verbatim the whole way through. It's a fun book and he knows the illustrations by heart as well, so it helps him think about something fun and silly. Is there a fun book your child knows by heart that they'd enjoy reciting to themselves when they have trouble sleeping? Tell them to try to think of the illustrations in their mind as they recite it, with is a great way to push out bad images from their minds.

Deep breathing: 

I have been trying to teach him to breathe slowly through his nose to help him calm down. Three to four seconds inspiration and four to seven seconds expiration to help his nervous system get the message to calm down. While there is inner work of his body getting the signal to relax and escape the flight or fight stage, it also works as a distraction because he is re-directing his thoughts to his deep breathing instead of his negative, fearful thoughts. 

Pretend play:

My son loves pretend play and props, so we cut out a sword from some used cardboard and he has it next to his bedside. I've told him that it may help as he uses his other "weapons" to hold his sword to remind himself that he has weapons to fight against fear. He wields it in the air sometimes while we are saying our verses and I think this helps him feel more courageous. We love reading Little Pilgrim's Big Journey, a children's re-telling of Pilgrim's Progress and use language from the book to talk about fears, sin, making wise choices, and other themes. In respect to fear at nighttime, we will talk about how he is a knight who can slay the dragon (Apollyon) when he tries to trick or scare with his lies. And then I'll tell him to grab his sword and act it out. For some kids, the act of doing something brave and heroic like this can really shift something in their minds. For his recent birthday, we purchased a knight costume more durable than the makeshift paper sword and shield below, and it has been a hit! 

Reciting Scripture through songs and linking them with God's attributes: 

While the others are occasionally used, this is something we do together every night, even when he doesn't have any fears. It is both proactive (preventative) and active (when he is actively scared about something). It's been the biggest help for him. Although at this point he knows them well enough to do on his own, he likes me to be the one singing over him, or we often sing these verses together. After my husband reads and prays with him, he leaves to get ready for bed while I come in to tell our son "his weapons" before I leave the room for the night. I have noticed that my son can memorize scripture a lot easier if there is a tune we can memorize along with it. You can use any verses that comfort you and your child, but these are ones we already memorized the previous two years, so it was easy to use them at  bedtime as "weapons, applying what we learned during the safety of the daytime to the scary time at night.  They each have a tune that helps with memorization. Feel free to use these or find other verse songs. My favorite source is Dana Dirksen's Songs for Saplings, but there are a ton of other resources as well. I will include the link for the tune that I use. 

The Name of the Lord is A Strong Tower (Blessed Be the Name of the Lord). This old Christian worship song is based on Proverbs 18:10. I printed out a picture of what a strong tower looked like in medieval times and explained how God protects us from the arrows of the enemy like a strong tower was a refuge for a village under attack. The visual helped with this concept. Attributes connected: God's strength and protection.

I am with you always (Matthew 28:20).  Attribute highlighted: I say something like "Jesus promised His disciples He would always be with them through the Holy Spirit. Even when you feel alone in your room, God is with you through the Holy Spirit." 

"Lord my God, You are very great" (Psalm 104:1). Attribute highlighted: I say something like"There is nothing, not your biggest fear, that is bigger, stronger, or greater than God."

"When I Am Afraid I Will Trust In You" by Steve Green, based on Psalm 56:3 and 5. Attribute highlighted: He is trustworthy.

"Always give thanks to God for everything" (Ephesians 5:20). We finish off with gratitude by each mentioning one thing we want to thank God about the day. Hopefully that leaves a good thought in his mind as he drifts off to sleep.

Conclusion

There may be times our son will still have a bad dream even if we go through many or all of the above suggestions. It will happen. Several times he said, "but I tried it all and I still had a bad dream!" This can be disheartening and even cause them to question why God lets them have bad dreams. It's good opportunity to talk about God's presence even when hard things happen and that sometimes He allows them for a reason only He fully knows. But we can still trust Him and continue to fill our minds with what is good, pure, right, and so on. We are starting to discuss the armor of God (from Ephesians 6) since it is great visual of this idea of armoring ourselves against fear and bad dreams as well as applying it to life in general. There may be other ideas that work for your child, other verses that are more memorable or special to your family. Prayerfully find a few verses and maybe a few other things that can help as your comfort your child through their scary thoughts and bad dreams.