Encouraging Independent Play in Toddlers

Although I try to have a rhythm to our day and week with parent-led activities like our homeschool preschool curriculum, scheduled play-dates, outings, and church, I still value and intentionally create large  chunks of time throughout the week for independent play that is child-led and uninterrupted by me or my husband. This looks different day to day, because some days he will spend more than an hour in deep play while other days he repeatedly comes to me and asks "play with me, mama?" But I have learned a few lessons in the last two-ish years on how to encourage Elliot to play on his own. I wanted to share what I believe has been helpful in case other mamas could use some ideas in this area.

But first: why is it important that young children learn to play on their own? It's great for the parents, because they are not constantly needed to entertain the child 24/7. We have things to do around the house, but we also need an occasional break from constantly playing with our child to grab a cup of tea, read a book, or do something else that gives us a few minutes of rest amidst the busy but rewarding life of parenting. Teaching your child to play independently is such a gift to a child because it fosters their creativity, curiosity, autonomy, confidence, and increases their ability to concentrate. They begin to see that they don't always need you to give them ideas for play; they can figure out a ton of ways to play on their own. 

Independent play is a skill that takes time and practice to learn; it will not just happen on its own nor look the same all the time. Even the youngest child doesn't need an adult to show  them how play; they make discoveries on their own, whether picking up a rattle and hearing a sound so they learn to shake it or a toddler learning how to build a tower. We are excellent guides and an irreplaceable person for connection and love within the play environment, and there should be plenty of play that involves the parents.  But we don't need to feel we are necessary to teach them to play every time they are actively playing.  Granted there will be times you will demonstrate a new toy or activity or help a frustrated child learn a new skill, but only offer as much guidance as needed for them to make discoveries on their own.

Intentionally making space for independent play, or free play as I sometimes call it as well, is a concept that is not limited to Montessori, but that is where I really learned more about it since Montessori parents and teachers are all about promoting independence. Independent play is one of the many ways to raise inquisitive learners who explore the world around them. Although we can obviously aid them in this with parent-led activities and experiences, there is also a time and place for letting them explore on their own -- and their play area is a safe and exciting place for the exploration.

Here are some ways that we have worked on encouraging independent play with Elliot. (As a little disclaimer: I only have one child, so I cannot speak of what the independent play dynamic would be with siblings, although I will find that out soon enough with our baby due next month.) 

1. Start small and build with time

Every child is different. Some naturally play alone for hours while other really love and need quality time with parents and want company while they play. Age is also a very important factor to consider. I cannot remember exactly when I started intentionally working on increasing his independent play, but I believe it was between one and  one-and-a-half. It would have been unreasonable and ridiculous of me to expect he'd be ready to entertain himself for thirty minutes from the first week we tried it out. We started with just a few minutes at a time. The younger the child, the shorter the time, since it's such a new concept for them to occupy themselves instead of constantly being entertaining. Start with five minutes, if you want a goal, then build as the child grows. As Elliot grew, he naturally became more accustomed to playing alone and was able to occupy himself, especially as his creativity emerged more and more. Around two-years old, he would sometimes play around half an hour alone and as an almost-three year old, he is comfortable playing on his own for around an hour on some days. But this can change day-to-day, as I will explain later, so don't focus on minutes. Also, consider where you are physically. When first introducing independent play, you may want to stay nearby but not too close to the child and as the days and weeks pass, you can try being in a different part of the room or an entirely different room if it is safe. Speaking of safety, you know your child best. Make sure you feel safe with them alone, whether that means you are only a few feet away in the same room or, with older kids, in a different room altogether. Is the room set up as a safe space for them to explore? Create a Yes Space in their play area where you don't find yourself saying "No, don't touch that" or "Be careful!" all the time because it is naturally set-up for their busy bodies and curiosity. 

Observations:

1. Does your child tend to really rely on you to lead their play or do they play independently for small pockets of time without complaining?
2. Are they a naturally independent child in other areas of their lives?
3. Safety: Are there small toys that are unsafe for your child to be left alone with? Can they be removed from the play area if you are worried about ingestion? Are there any nearby cords or other materials that can be pulled down, or a hard surface they could easily fall off from? Set them up for a safe environment for independent play!

2. Fill up their quality-time cup before introducing independent time 

It really helps if I start the morning with some intentional, uninterrupted quality time with Elliot. Throughout the week, this can look like: preparing breakfast together, reading books aloud, playing a board game, working on some homeschool preschool  activities, going for a bike ride, and playing whatever he wants to play. Immerse yourself in their play and limit distractions. These are sweet moments they treasure. I would not expect Elliot to wake up, either in the morning or from a nap, and be ready for independent play. Quality time is high on his love languages, so he especially needs that time together to feel secure, happy, and connected.  I try to keep my phone in a different room (unless I want to snap a quick photo) so I am not distracted. Some of these activities are child-led (particularly playing on the floor with him) and some are more parent-led (baking, preschool activities) but he always has a ton of choices and is never forced to participate. Most kids will be more willing to play on their own if they first have their "cup" filled with some quality time together. This is often a natural part of our day and is not explained to the child, but sometimes I have to verbalize, "I have the timer set for ten minutes for us to play together however you want. But then Mommy needs to start on dinner and I want you to play on your own."

Observations:

1. Does your child seem to do better with playing on their own if you first give them uninterrupted time together? 
2. Is your schedule free enough that you can provide uninterrupted, undistracted time together daily?
3. Is quality time a main way that your child receives/responds to love? 

3. After a good chunk of time together, retreat 

Typically, if I am wanting him to play on his own after some quality time together, I will slowly ease myself away without saying anything, especially if he is in a deep, concentrated point in his play and doesn't seem to notice me anymore. Other times,  I will explain that I need to go work on something and explain that  I'd love for him to continue playing on his own. This can happen when he is starting to play with a new toy and isn't in that deep play state. I will say,  "I'll be in the kitchen for a few minutes" and sometimes will even give myself a five-minute timer if he is resistant to me leaving at first. For Elliot, I have noticed that the more I let him lead the play, without my ideas, the more he enters into a deep, concentrated play when we are together that allows a good escape exit for the play to become independent. If I am the one leading the play by talking a lot or narrating what he is doing ("Oh boy, you built a tall tower. Great job. Now try adding this one..."), it would be understandable that he'd struggle with me all of a sudden expecting he will play on his own when I get up and leave. In a fantastic, helpful video on encouraging independent play, Ashley, from the Montessori YouTube channel,  Hapa Family says to "Be an assistant, not the leader" of play. Any of your involvement in the minutes before independent play should be initiated by the child rather than being directed by the parent.  In the few minutes before leaving him, I get quiet, observe him, nod my head and smile rather than giving big praise statements, and just naturally allow him the opportunity to enter into a deep play where he is focused, using his own creativity instead of depending on mine, and he is having fun without me. When he was younger, I would slowly ease myself away from his play area, spending a few minutes to move farther away from his play area before I move to the kitchen (where I could still clearly see him). As he has become more accustomed to playing independently, I can get up and leave without a slow, gradual retreat and he isn't surprised or upset. 

Observations: 

1. Try to observe yourself during play: Do you narrate, correct, overly praise, or lead your child's play? What would it look like for you to take a back seat? Start small and see if it makes a difference in your child taking the lead.

4. Value focus by limiting interruptions

 Without intentionally meaning to, we often interrupt a child's chance for deep play when we are narrating what they're doing ("you're putting the red block on top of the blue one!"), quizzing them ("what shape is that?"), correcting ("No, that doesn't go there. Let me show you..."), and praising ("Wow, you are such a big boy! That is the best drawing ever"). Although you obviously will need to do all of these at some point throughout the day, try to limit them when possible, especially if and when you child is engaged in independent play. You want to foster their focus to teach them to enter into a deep concentrated stage that will encourage longer independent play, but also deeper creativity and exploration. Keep comments to a minimum. I need to bite my tongue sometimes. I will often opt to snap a quick photo when I am out of sight so I can mention whatever I wanted to talk about later ("Earlier, I noticed you built a long road. Tell me about it"). I naturally want to praise and encourage with my words, since that is my top love language, but I really try to reign it in and limit my observations whenever Elliot is concentrated because this would break his focus, ruin his flow,  and often end the independent play. I try to save my praise and comments for when he is done with independent play, or if I can't hold it in, a time when he looks up or shows another sign that he is out of that deep play, like looking around for another toy to play with.  I also try to schedule enough play time in our day, so we are not always in a rush to get from place to place.  I am okay with running a little late to some things (when they don't effect another person's schedule) if Elliot is in a deep, focused play. I will wait until he looks around or switches to another toy and then give him a heads up (and usually a five-minute timer) that we need to get ready to go soon. I will bump meals a few minutes late sometimes if he is playing independently as well. This is not all the time, since we aim to eat at regular time each day, but if its a snack or lunch, which is not formal and doesn't include the whole family, then I am open to giving a few extra minutes to let him complete his play or at least find a good stopping point. I am not letting him rule the day, just providing some wiggle room to respect his play during times in the day that it doesn't hurt my schedule to adjust to what he seems to need at the moment. 

I also try to remember to limit interruptions when he is playing outdoors and when he is in the car. I don't constantly talk to him on our walks to the playground and I try to encourage him to play on his own (often times, he has friends at the playground, so I am not needed at all for play). I stay nearby for safety, but I keep comments to a minimum rather than narrating, quizzing, correcting, and praising. I'm not silent; I will definitely talk to him if he asks me questions or wants my involvement, but I try to let him have as much deep play as possible if he seems to be OK with playing on his own while outside. In the car, I am not constantly entertaining him. I have my own music on and only occasionally put music he recognizes or short audiobooks of books he is familiar with. I have a backpack with toys for traveling or at restaurants that we keep in the car if he gets antsy during a drive, but typically its quiet in the car and he is entertained by looking out the window. He has been like this since he was a baby, so I may have lucked out. But it has helped me because I get stressed out the rare times he does ask a lot of questions or want me to entertain him. I clearly state that I need to concentrate on the road and it's not safe for me to turn around to focus on him. This has been a good place for him to learn to occupy himself. 

Observations:

1. Observe throughout the day just how often you well-meaningly interrupt your child's play by narrating, correcting, quizzing, or praising. What is their response? Does it seem to bother them if they're playing on their own?

His first drawing of something he labeled (rocket). I held in my praise and comments
until he took a break so I wouldn't interrupt his work, but it was so hard!

5. If there are any boundaries or rules, explain them clearly before leaving and check often

We have plenty of time when we play with play-doh and create art together, with me sitting next to him and creating my own things or helping him with whatever he's working on. But often times, I am cooking or cleaning nearby while Elliot is playing with a sensory tray, play-doh, or using art supplies without my constant supervision. This is part of his independent play time. We have worked up to this since I don't expect a one or even two-year old to be able to remember the rules and not make a colossal mess when left alone (and it's also not safe if there are small pieces).  Around two-and-a-half, Elliot was a lot more aware of his boundaries and typically respected them. He also has never been a toddler to put small things in his mouth, so that wasn't a concern. After playing for a few minutes with the sensory tray or play-doh, or observing him start working on art (such as coloring with crayons), I will say "I am going to step away for a few minutes. Remember, the water beads/play-doh/etc stays on the table (or the crayons are for the paper). If I see a mess when I come back, we will have to stop and try again another day. Do we have a deal?" This puts some responsibility in his hands to remember, but I will check on him every few minutes just because I have to have realistic expectations that he may get very excited about his play/creating and not pay attention to the mess he is making. I will gently remind him of our boundary/rule if needed, then give him more time alone if he is having a good time. I only give him materials that are safe for him to use on his own. Again, Elliot has never been a child to chew on art supplies or swallow non-food objects, so I have had more comfort with leaving him alone with art supplies and sensory materials, but if you're child tends to taste or chew on everything, consider this before leaving them along with anything small. Also, make sure all your sensory and art supplies are child-safe and non-toxic. And observe in yourself how comfortable you are with at least a little mess. If it would drive you nuts to have even a few water beads  scattered on the floor, then sensory table or art supplies just aren't a good time to practice independent play, and that is OK! If so, use this time to connect and create together and save independent play for other opportunities.

Observations:

1. Are there activities you are not comfortable with your child playing with unattended? 
2. Are there rules you can clearly state for certain activities that could get messy without you constantly next to them?  Consider safety (small pieces)

6. Provide interesting toys and activities that promote creativity and independence

Open-ended toys are amazing tools for naturally promoting deep play, either together or alone. Magna-tiles, blocks, legos of different sizes, trains, cars, trucks, dolls, a pretend kitchen, and pretty much anything that can be used for a variety of play situations are ideal. Typically, battery-operated, flashing toys are not open-ended because the toy itself leads the play rather than the child. These toys only work when manipulated a certain way (pushing a button, for example) instead of encouraging creativity and finding new ways to use them. To compare, blocks can be used for stacking a tall tower one day and carrying the same blocks in a dump truck the next day, then building a bridge or cooking up some block soup in a toy pot another day. Most open-ended toys last a long time since they don't require batteries and they work for a wide range of ages, so they are worth the money. Dolls are hugged and pushed around in a stroller for new walkers, but as the child's creativity grows over the next few years, they'll make up stories about caring for the baby. When Elliot first received his off-brand Magna-tiles around two-years old, he mainly enjoyed just connecting a few pieces together. A year later, he is creating ramps and garages for his cars. Open-ended toys are toys where you as the adult don't need to show them how to use it, what to press, or really give them too much direction at all. Don't get me wrong; they are excellent for playing together with an adult, but they are also perfect for independent play. Puzzles are also a great choice even though they aren't necessarily open-ended (one piece goes into one specific spot). But they count in this category because they can be grabbed and completed without much assistance from a parent. I usually have a few puzzles in easy access for Elliot. When he is in a puzzle mood, he will request more, so I will grab his puzzle box out of storage and he will put together puzzle after puzzle on his own. If a toy or activity requires a lot of demonstration or there is a lot of frustration with it, then it may be too advanced in this stage, so put it away for a few months and stick with toys that are more age-appropriate. 

 Lastly, limiting screen time will also encourage independent play. This will look different for every family, but be aware that a young child being entertained by a screen too often will make them expect fast-paced entertainment and will keep them from moving around and exploring. The screen does all the work, much like a batter-operated toy leads the play while a child sits passively and watches. Elliot goes into Zombie mode whenever he watches a screen, which is fine if he's had a very active day full of movement and independent play, but I definitely try to keep it limited to an hour a few times a week since I notice different negative effects when he is allowed more time. This changes for us in different seasons, but we try to really limit his screen time and notice this makes a big difference in how much he plays on his own. Every family dynamic is different, so I am not going to say how much is ok. If a limit is helpful, consider that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends zero screen time for under two-year olds, around 1 hour/day for two to three year olds, and no more than 2 hours/day for older kids.  

Observations:

1. What toys do you have available in your home that are open-ended? Observe how your child plays with them without your participation. Observe if there are ones they really like vs ones that seem too advanced at their current age. 
2. If you have batter-operated toys, observe if there is any difference in how they play with those toys vs open-ended toys. 
3. What are your family's views on screen time for your child? Does this need to be tweaked? Are you willing to decrease the screen time if it could mean helping your child have more opportunities for independent play and learning to concentrate longer during play? 

He was so proud of his Magna-tiles creation!

7. Consider rotating toys to increase interest and concentration

Toy rotation has been a huge help for Elliot's independent play. I try to keep about half of his toys (or less) out at once, and keep the rest organized in his closet in bins and storage boxes. When he was under two-and-a-half, I would be in charge of the rotation: I would observe what he was loving and what he gradually lost interest in and what was too difficult or easy for him. I would replace the toys he was becoming uninterested in with a different toy that had been stored away for a few weeks. I would leave anything he was still enjoying. I did this every few weeks. I still do this now that he is a few weeks shy of three-years old, but now he has more of an opinion and notices when toys are missing. He has been really into planes, trucks, trains, and cars for the last year, so there are always an assortment of vehicles in his play area.  I will remove a few that I notice he has stopped playing with and replace with a different vehicle that has been in storage, and observe if he gravitates towards it. If he wants a certain toy that is out-of-rotation in the closet, I will let him trade one or two toys a day. I will say "Go find a toy you are done with and then you can choose a new toy from the storage area to make a trade". Some days he wants to trade and other days he is content with whatever he has. It's not a secret or a power struggle that he has toys in his closet, probably because I've been doing this since he was a baby. So if a child is too distracted by the availability of the rest of his toys in his closet in his room, a different storage area would be ideal.  I have noticed on toy rotation days, his independent play time is a lot longer since he has toys he hasn't seen in a few weeks or months. Also, after a vacation, when he returns to his toys, he spends a ton more time playing alone as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder towards one's toys. The smaller amount of toys available at once also helps because they don't have a ,million things to choose from (which can cause decision fatigue just as it would for adults surrounded by too many choices) and encourages deeper play since they are not usually flitting from one toy to the next. And, as a bonus, it makes clean-up A LOT more manageable! 

Observations:

1. Observe what toys your child gravitates towards the most. Which ones have they been ignoring? Are there toys that seem too difficult or require repetitive explanations or help from you? 
2. If you're not ready or interested in a full-on toy rotation, consider just taking away the toys they currently aren't interested in, and see if it makes a difference in independent play that they only have toys around them that they love instead of other toys cluttering their space. 

He was really into puzzles for awhile and would spend a lot of time doing them alone

8. Display toys & books in an easy way to access independently

Montessori parents are known for their open shelves where they have a limited amount of toys available and in clear view. But you definitely don't have to be a Montessori parent or follow a rule about how many toys to have out at once.  I like having open shelves and bins that are organized. Elliot knows exactly where to look for his toys since they are clearly visible rather than in opaque bins, so he typically isn't needing me to find his toys during his independent play. Having an attractive display of toys doesn't have to be expensive or super organized. Just try to find ways to make it easier for your child to have easy access to toys. This also pertains to books. It is a lot easier for a child to sit  and grab a book independently  if they are within reach and displayed in a basket or a front-facing bookcase or shelf rather than in a big bookcase with only the spines showing. Elliot has a comfy chair and a basket of 8-10 books in a little corner. We do a lot of read-alouds there, but he also gravitates there alone and "reads"  when I am busy in the kitchen. 

Observation:

1. Sit at your child's play area and observe: How easy is it for them to find a toy they want? Are all the toys in a big box, where it would be hard to grab something, or are they organized for easy access?
2. How are your books displayed? Does it attract your child to them or would it be hard for them to find the book they want because only the spines are visible or their are all in a huge bookcase?

A cozy reading spot with books nearby is a wonderful invitation to "read"

9. Consider setting up occasional "play invitations" to jump-start independent play

Most of the time, your child won't need help figuring out what to play with if toys are in clear view, there's an assortment of open-ended toys, and they have long periods of non-rushed play time. But if it seems your toddler is struggling to know what to do during independent play or they seem like they need a nudge towards an activity, you can provide play invitations where you set-up at activity, point it out, and let them choose it if they want. This concept is linked to Reggio Emilia early childhood education, but I became familiar with the term from a homeschooling YouTuber named Larissa Leigh in her video on what to do to replace screen time with play and outdoor time (play invitations are discussed at the 6:40 mark). Elliot sometimes needs help getting out of his groggy post-nap stage, so I will occasionally set up a play or art invitation for him to see when he wakes up.   I will sometimes place a few coloring sheets or blank paper and crayons on Elliot's table as an "art invitation" or make a road on the wood floor with painters tape. Other times I grab a puzzle from its storage bin and place it in on his play mat or set up play-doh or a sensory tray full of water beads or sand and small digging toys. I often won't even say anything; I will let him find it and choose to explore if he wants. I am inviting but not forcing him to play with what I have set up. This is different from me saying, "Try this! Do this! Stay here!" He may choose this activity, or he may decide on something totally different, and that is OK with me. I leave it out for a few hours and then put it away if he wasn't interested. While sometimes I am pulling out toys or activities and placing them in easy-to-see areas (like on a rug or a table), there is an area separate from his toy area (which I rotate depending on his interest, as mentioned) that I try to set up in an attractive way to invite play more focused on learning a skill or concept. This activity shelf is in a different area of the house where we do our preschool activities and the materials I set up on these shelves  change weekly depending on our preschool unit for that week. I display them in a Montessori-ish fashion, with each separate activity on a wooden tray or in a basket so that he just has to grab the tray or basket to have all the supplies needed for that activity.  These are usually newer activities that require a brief introduction or demonstration the first time and then they are on the shelf for him to grab throughout the day. My heart bursts when I take a break from cooking and check on what he's done and see him working through an activity on his own, mastering a new skill and having a proud look on his face that he accomplished something new.

Observations:

1. Does your child ever need a little nudge to play on their own, or do they naturally find things to do? Consider setting up an easy play invitation by pulling out a toy they haven't played with in a few days and see if they play with it. 

10. Understand that there are times when independent play will be harder and adjust expectations accordingly

When going through transitions, like a new baby, new home, or a new daycare, don't expect that your toddler will have the same ability to play alone as other times when things are more stable. They will likely need more cuddles, connection, and encouragement to help them feel secure in the new changes, and they work through a lot of that while they play. It may feel like you're back-tracking ("He used to play for a long time and now is constantly asking me to play with him"), but consider what may be going on internally and be patient with them as they process the changes around them. Illness will also obviously stunt independent play. Most kids will want to cuddle together and won't have their creative juices flowing when they're not feeling optimal, which is to be expected. Listen to your child's needs and know that independent play will return as they feel safe and secure. Elliot doesn't play independently when his dad gets off work. He has missed him all day and wants to play with him, so if Greg needs a bit of alone time after work, he tries to stay out of view if Elliot is playing independently. Once he is mentally ready to engage in play, Elliot is thrilled to play together with him. 

Observations:

1. Whenever it seems like your young child is more resistant to independent play and there isn't an obvious cause, try to observe over a few days what it could be that they're needing:
• Is it too close to a meal time? Have they been struggling with sleep lately? They may physically be needing something else (food or sleep) more than a long stretch of play. 
• Has it been a stressful week with multiple appointments and events? Maybe they haven't felt connected with you lately and need more of their quality time "cup" filled with playing together. 
• Have tantrums been on the rise? Are they going through a growth spurt?  These can all cause them to need to feel more secure in your closeness, so don't see it as a defeat or setback. 
• Do they play independently longer/shorter when certain people are around or not around? 
• Has s/he had a very social few days with visiting friends or extended family constantly playing with the child? It may take a few days to "detox" from all of that fun playing together and constant entertainment, so independent play may be harder for a few days, which is totally fine.

I hope this was helpful and not overwhelming! Independent play is such a great skill for young children, and it benefits the parents too. I'd love to hear any comments or questions below if you'd like clarification or want to share how you encourage independent play in your home!