My 2020 Goal: PRESENCE

Happy New Year! For the past seven years, I have used Lara Casey's goal-setting series to help me intentionally plan for the upcoming year, particularly how -- and on what -- I want to spend my time. One of her steps is to prayerfully think of what word you'd like to define or influence the new year. In previous years, the words I chose after much deliberation and prayer, were words that ended up being important reminders of what I wanted that year to be focused on. For example, my 2014 word was 'delight'. I wanted to 'delight myself in the Lord'  (Psalm 37:4) amidst a season of work stress. Little did I know that within weeks of deciding on that word, I would meet the man who would become my husband a year and a half later and would bring delight for all my days. In 2015, my word was selah, a musical term used in the Psalms for pausing and reflecting, which became very timely five months after declaring that as my word because I became engaged and the reminder to pause and reflect (on God's goodness, on the blessings in my life, on the simple joys that are easily forgotten amidst busyness) was much needed during the busy season of wedding planning. Last year's word was a bit of a flop though. I chose discipline. I wanted to be disciplined in my Bible studying, healthy eating, and exercising. Well, within days of deciding this, I found out I was pregnant. And within weeks, I was throwing up and nauseous every day so I ended up eating lots of dairy and carbs, both of the food groups I was trying to be disciplined and restrict... oops! And I won't even mention the doughnuts... and the pizza ... and the mac and cheese.

2020 is a new decade and a new start in many ways for me. Most notably, I am now a mother of an adorable four-month old and I resigned from my position as a pediatric nurse practitioner and am now a stay-at-home-mom while also part-time managing my in-law's lake house as a short-term rental through Airbnb. Amidst all of these changes, especially compounded by lack of sleep, it has been challenging at times to feel I am truly soaking it all in. On nights when Elliot is wide awake and demanding to be fed every two hours, I find myself looking forward to when he will finally sleeping through the night. On days when I have a to-do list stretching across a full page in my planner and a laundry basket brimming with clothing stained with spit-up and he refuses to sleep anywhere other than strapped to me in a carrier, I envision a time when he can play on his own for longer than a few minutes. But in looking forward to those "easier" days ahead (which of course will have their own challenges), I am consequently missing opportunities to soak in the sweet moments right now: the midnight cuddles when he studies my face as he nurses before drifting off to sleep, the smiles and giggles as we play together during tummy time, the developmental milestones he is inching towards day by day. I don't want to miss out on today. I don't want to cheapen today. I don't want to regret not being present today.

The idea of being present also applies to my marriage. It is too easy to use any small chunk of time when Elliot is napping to eagerly return to that to-do list even if it means losing out on an opportunity to connect with my husband if he is home. In an effort to be efficient and productive, I miss out on quality time and being fully engaged with my best friend and love of my life. My mind is reeling with far too much even when I am sitting across from him during dinner and trying to concentrate on him sharing his heart. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to love, listen, serve, and enjoy my husband even in this busy and often bleary-eyed season of parenthood.

My relationship with God has also been affected by this hurried and harried attitude. It is difficult to find time to fully dig into God's word and prayer without feeling like I need to speed through that quiet time in order to rush to the next thing on my list for the day before Elliot cries or needs to be fed again. I feel I am constantly running against the clock and it can easily cause me to barely skim Biblical truths rather than simmering and dwelling on them.

With all of this in mind and with several days where I was praying for direction in how to plan out goals for 2020, one word kept popping in my mind:

presence

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this is exactly what I want 2020 to be focused on:

1. practicing the presence of God by becoming more aware of His nearness in my everyday moments; seeking to know Him more clearly, love Him more deeply, and experience Him more fully by being in His presence; thanking Him for the many evidences of His grace in my life with a consistent heart of gratitude
2. practicing presence with those God has given me to love and serve, namely my husband and son, by intentionally decreasing distractions and too much busyness that threaten to steal opportunities for quality time and being in the moment with them. 

I searched the Bible for any mention of the word presence. In the New Living Translation, it is used 228 times via two Greek words: paniym and neged. Both are general words meaning nearness, being in front of, or beside. Other words that are closely connected to the idea of presence for me include: abide, dwell, linger, selah, mindfulness, quality time, being in the moment. 

A few Bible verses that I want to focus on pertaining to presence:

"You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever". (Psalm 16:11)

"You hide them I the shelter of your presence ..." (Psalm 31:20)

"But let the godly rejoice. Let them be glad in God's presence" (Psalm 68:3)

"The children of your people will live in security. Their children's children will thrive in your presence" (Psalm 102:28)

"Be still and know I am God" (Psalm 48:10)

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

I plan on pursuing after presence in 2020 by setting goals that are rooted in some way to the concept of presence as defined for me above. As in previous years, it has helped my structure-loving brain to set goals for different areas including spiritual, physical, emotional, marriage, financial, social goals. Here are my 2020 goals and how they link back to presence:

spiritual

Goal: As stated above, practicing the presence of God by becoming more aware of His nearness in my everyday moments; seeking to know Him more clearly, love Him more deeply, and experience Him more fully by being in His presence; thanking Him for the many evidences of His grace in my life with a consistent heart of gratitude

Action steps: weekly journaling evidences of His grace/what I am grateful for, inductive Bible study of several New Testament books, using a prayer journal to monitor answered prayers and continuing my prayer schedule that helps me remember to pray for specific people on specific days, reading books and listening to podcasts (such as Risen Motherhood) that dive into Christian doctrine as well as practical ways to draw near to Him.

physical

Goal: Increase discipline and intentionality regarding my health (particularly nutrition and physical activity) so that I can feel good, have energy to stay present and active with those I love and serve. 

Action steps: Run a 5K (signed up for one next weekend!), consistently participate in Expecting & Empowered postpartum workout guide to build strength and hopefully decrease my knee pain, try out new paleo/whole 30 recipes, drink 2/3 gallon of water/day.

emotional

Goal: Clear my mind of clutter, decrease anxious thinking patterns, increase rest, understand my personality better so I can be more emotionally present and decrease emotionally shutting down when overwhelmed.

Action steps: quarterly social media 'fast' (break) and re-start social media 'curfew' (no SM between 9pm-12pm next day to allow ending and starting a new day w/o being on my phone),  study my Enneagram type and introversion, attend Biblical counseling with a trusted mentor who has helped me in past seasons with emotional issues, ask for help rather than trying to do it all on my own, occasionally sneak away to a nearby coffee shop to have quiet/alone time while Greg hangs out with Elliot (especially when feeling overwhelmed). 

marriage

Goal: Cultivate a culture of presence and quality time where I am not constantly distracted and can give my husband my full attention and connect deeper where he feels known and understood.

Action steps: use Marriage Journal more consistently, plan dates (and use a babysitter), pray together at meals more often, read a book together, continue to take walks together with Elliot

motherhood

Goal: Be more patient with Elliot as he is dealing with discomfort from GERD, itchy eczema, and painful gas that are all keeping him from sleeping well; soak in the moments of his first year,  limit distractions; intentionally help him inch towards developmental milestones via play and reading aloud.

Action steps: continue to evaluate which foods I am eating that could be causing his symptoms, start a journal with letters/prayers for him to read in the future, start attending library infant play group once a month, start cloth diapering around 50% of the time, decrease screen time while around him, read books on motherhood

social

Goal: Love people well by being present, engaged, intentional, and consistent.

Action steps: meet more neighbors, write to my Compassion Child monthly, re-connect with some friends I have not talked to recently, volunteer for more Meal Trains for couples who recently welcomed babies to their families, deepen friendships with local young moms from church, stay active in book club

financial

Goal: Generous stewardship, wise preparation for unforeseen future circumstances, glorifying God with what He has given us

Action steps: continue limiting my "fun money" to my allotted amount each month, look into creating a will/setting each other up as beneficiaries and power of attorney, weekly individually budgeting with YNAB and monthly budget meetings together

fun + relaxation

Goal: Learn new skills and hobbies (or revisit old ones), make time to do things that are life-giving and bring me joy so that I can enjoy this season.

Action steps: pull out my violin and play it for Elliot w/o stressing about playing perfectly, complete a sewing project using the sewing machine I haven't touched in years, blog about more than just my book reviews (lessons I am learning, things I am grateful for, etc), read more of the books I already own and sell ones I am not in love with so I have money to buy new ones.

What about you? Do you have a word for the year or goals you are hoping to achieve in 2020? I would love to hear about it in the comments below!